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25 February 2007 @ 02:13 am
i'm tired of indefinitely feeling this way - indefinitely for the past two years... i guess this time of year is particularly difficult for me.  but the bottom line is, i'm sick of it.  i'm sick of not being able to move on, to get past it.  i'm sick of not being able to look back at the past few years of my life and decide that it was well spent.  i can't even read past entries of my journal without spiraling into some sort of introverted depressed state where i can't even talk about what's wrong because the people who understand what's going on are probably so tired of hearing about the same thing over and over.  i'm also tired of feeling like my feelings are invalid just because they're two years old.  i'm sick of not managing to overcome it with something far more important.  i read in janelle's journal (janelle, -if you read this- sorry for not commenting on it, i meant to, it was a great quote!) this quote:  "if you've really had your first true love, no one can ever hurt you like that again."  and i think that's true.  i think the reason it's true is because i'll probably never naively and without hesitation open myself to someone again.  i'll never give them the chance to hurt me the same way michael did.  and that's probably the only reason why nobody will hurt me like that again.  the problem for me is that i don't ever see how i'm going to get over the pain of it regardless of whether future pain will be worse.  but i suppose that because of the fact that nothing since has come even close, i can't really fairly decide that i'm not going to feel better about it at some point... it's just hard in the mean time to come to terms with perpetually feeling like there's never going to be anything better - anything good - to make a difference in my life.  worse than thinking i'll never find someone, is thinking that i've found someone, and, well, it's easy to imagine how that turns out.

i'm tired of thinking.  goodnight.
Crystalxroadtonowherex on February 25th, 2007 08:04 pm (UTC)
hey zach
you know, here is my opinion on this, take it or leave it... but 2 years ago you were tremendously hurt by a significant other. Now... you are in college in Potsdam.
Now, Potsdam is an isolated town, and you are in a somewhat isolated music building in an isolated town... the people around you are constant. You see the same faces everyday. Everyday! The incoming newbies each year consistently get younger because you are getting older, and consistently seem more and more immature (at least thats kind of how i felt with guys)
Here you are, stuck in the seemingly neverending state of lingering. Whenther you wish that past still existed or you wish it never happened...
2 years in a place like Potsdam can really push your heart and mind deeper and deeper into depression
I'm not saying that there arent some awesome people in potsdam, but your outside is your inside as far as enviroment.
And to make it worse, it was only 2 years ago that shit his the fan. Honestly, it is not that long ago.
I dont know how long you two were together, but I think the saying that "it takes half the time you were together to get over someone" might go for people who are much older and have already been hurt too many times.

Finding someone new really does help to overcome this state of depression, but when everything around you is constant, when everyone around you is hardly changing, you start to feel like there is no hope...
But use of caution may be suitable, and when you finally meet someone who is right for the next big step forward, I think you will hesitate less and you will find a relationship that you think is worthy of your time...and you will be willing to take the risk.

hope this helps :)
Zachinherentharmony on February 26th, 2007 07:01 am (UTC)
i really do think that being here in good old isolated potsdam definitely doesn't help the situation... thanks for all your input, i really appreciate it!!