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25 February 2007 @ 02:13 am
i'm tired of indefinitely feeling this way - indefinitely for the past two years... i guess this time of year is particularly difficult for me.  but the bottom line is, i'm sick of it.  i'm sick of not being able to move on, to get past it.  i'm sick of not being able to look back at the past few years of my life and decide that it was well spent.  i can't even read past entries of my journal without spiraling into some sort of introverted depressed state where i can't even talk about what's wrong because the people who understand what's going on are probably so tired of hearing about the same thing over and over.  i'm also tired of feeling like my feelings are invalid just because they're two years old.  i'm sick of not managing to overcome it with something far more important.  i read in janelle's journal (janelle, -if you read this- sorry for not commenting on it, i meant to, it was a great quote!) this quote:  "if you've really had your first true love, no one can ever hurt you like that again."  and i think that's true.  i think the reason it's true is because i'll probably never naively and without hesitation open myself to someone again.  i'll never give them the chance to hurt me the same way michael did.  and that's probably the only reason why nobody will hurt me like that again.  the problem for me is that i don't ever see how i'm going to get over the pain of it regardless of whether future pain will be worse.  but i suppose that because of the fact that nothing since has come even close, i can't really fairly decide that i'm not going to feel better about it at some point... it's just hard in the mean time to come to terms with perpetually feeling like there's never going to be anything better - anything good - to make a difference in my life.  worse than thinking i'll never find someone, is thinking that i've found someone, and, well, it's easy to imagine how that turns out.

i'm tired of thinking.  goodnight.
leslie anneidefygravityi on February 25th, 2007 08:18 am (UTC)
we should join/form a support group.

perhaps first we should analyze our past, decide if it really was love, and if love can be one sided or if 2 must share it for it to count as love. and then we can talk about how we didn't want to fall, ended up falling unwillingly, and then got crushed, no, decimated in the end. and picking up your world and re-assembling it after a nuclear explosion of an ending is not easy. especially when it feels like your heart stopped functioning and you can't breathe.

and then we can talk about all the progress we've made, which really isnt much at all. because whenever we see mike/michael we feel our lunch come back up in our throats and we can't find anything nice to say.

or maybe that's just me. but i still say lets have a support group.
Zachinherentharmony on February 26th, 2007 07:02 am (UTC)
when does the group start? haha :)
leslie anneidefygravityi on February 27th, 2007 12:26 am (UTC)
we could do ice cream later this week? right now, my education blocks have me swamped with work, but it should be back under control at the tail end of this week. send me an IM or something boo :o)